Catholic Secrets! (on the lighter side)

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to

non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret

code words, the better off they are.



AMEN:

The only part of a prayer that

everyone knows.


BULLETIN:

Your receipt for attending

Mass.



CHOIR:

A group of people whose

singing allows the rest of the Parish to

lip-sync.


HOLY WATER:

A liquid whose chemical

formula is H2OLY. Created by boiling the HELL out of

it.


HYMN:

A song of praise usually sung

in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's

range.

RECESSIONAL

HYMN: The last song at Mass often

sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already

left.


INCENSE:

Holy Smoke!


JESUITS:

An order of priests known for

their ability to find colleges with good basketball

teams.



JONAH:

The original 'Jaws'

story.


JUSTICE:

When kids have kids of their

own.

 
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most

Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you

non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

 
MAGI:

The most famous trio to attend

a baby shower.

 
MANGER:

Where Mary gave

birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO (The Bible's way of

showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)



PEW:

A medieval

torture device still found in Catholic churches.



PROCESSION:

The ceremonial

formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the

celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
 

RECESSIONAL:

The ceremonial

procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat

the crowd to the parking lot.



RELICS:

People who have

been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and

stand.



TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most

important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.


USHERS:

The only people

in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a

pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the

offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash..

Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get

chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the

Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for

sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest

takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into

cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk. (A repeat

groaner!) 
Source: Unknown, a member of our local Sarasota Community shared this humorous piece with me.)

Bridget Mary Meehan, arcwp, www.arcwp.org